The Illusion of Online Life Coaches
⌛ By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛
If you’re a “Star Wars” geek like me, you’ll remember in “Revenge of the Sith” when Padmé Amidala says, ““What if the democracy we thought we were serving no longer exists?”
In that same vein, what if all of these influencers and life coaches are actually harming us more than they are helping us?
This is why Rachel Hollis and other “life coaches” grate on my nerves. I’m not here to berate anyone, especially someone who has found her own brand of success. What I do want to do, however, is caution you to not follow in someone’s exact footsteps. Not hers. Not mine. Not anyone’s but your own. I know that in the age we are in, that sometimes doesn’t always happen. We are influenced by people, places, and things more than we would like to admit, especially on a digital scale. And not everyone acts in a questionable way. This blog post just serves as a conversation starter and red-flag measurement tool.
I will admit that I used to like Rachel Hollis. I was going through a challenging time in my business and with my mental health, and I remember working out and driving while listening to her podcast. What she said resonated with me at the time, as did other lifestyle coaches. I needed someone in a professional-esque setting to light a fire underneath me so I could accomplish my goals — even when I didn’t when I did feel like it.
Until I grew up from a wannabe business owner to someone who actually paves her own way. (Just to clarify: I was a business owner the whole time. I just was SO confused about where my path would lie at the time.)
Slowly, I started rebelling against what Rachel was saying. Do I really have to cut people out of my life who don’t agree with or understand my career aspirations? Who is she to say that I haven’t worked hard enough? The thoughts are endless, and she became like that abusive voice inside my head that likes to judge me when I’m not “good enough.” While I do not pass blame to her and am in complete control of my own actions, I do recognize the dangerous journey I began to take. So, I stopped listening and unfollowed her content.
Afterward, I delved into her history and the ways she handles business and personal aspects of her life during her plagiarism scandal. I am not about that life as a writer. Then, I noticed some other things I found to be off-putting and ultimately disagreed with. After reading countless articles, watching YouTube commentary videos, and combing through Reddit strands, I am finally ready to give my opinion.
For lack of a better way to put this, it sucks when you realize that you probably shouldn’t have followed certain advice in the first place. When I received the 35 Under 35 honor from The Ironton Tribune, I mentioned that I was reading one of her books. That is in print forever, and try as I might, I cannot erase that part of my business and personal development journey. Ugh.
When you know better, you do better, after all.
So, here are five reasons life coaches of the digital era can be problematic and just an illusion:
Everything she says is generic.
You know how you feel when you read your horoscope? I don’t know about you, but I typically think, “OK, this is fun to read, but it could apply to anyone, no matter your astrological sign.” That is how her advice and Instagram inspirational quotes come off to me. As a female entrepreneur, I will admit that quotes and mantras did help to motivate me for a while. But, when does it cross the bridge between identifying with a quote or someone and then become lackluster and like everyone else? In her videos and podcast, her business advice is overly generic and preachy, but I guess she is going for the “big sister” coach vibe? But, nothing is ever tactical. She may give you surface reasons she got to where she is today, but those statements do not stick. Creating and maintaining a tangible business is much more than “you can do hard things.” She is also a big believer in and implementer of curated imperfection, which I will chat about in a future post this fall.
She sometimes uses the term “self-made.”
There’s no doubt that people like Rachel Hollis have worked hard to get where they are. In Rachel’s case, she started first with her event-planning company and now has her current media company. But, those of us who have busted our butts usually didn’t get there alone. Someone, whether it’s a family member, friend, colleague, or whomever, have helped us along the way. Rachel didn’t have some of the same issues as most people who start a company. If she did, she has never outlined her growing pains, especially since seeing major success. I’m sorry, but when your husband is a Disney executive and makes six and seven figures (at least), you don’t see the same struggles as someone who actually did have to have a full-time job with an actual side hustle and many other constraints. I did this for the first year of my business, but I cannot and will not use the term “self-made” when it comes to anything related to my wealth, company, or anything in general. You cannot let your ego get so big that you don’t recognize the small (and big) things others did to help you reach success. I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without the support of my husband, plain and simple. I know I put in the work when it comes to the inner and outer workings of Hourglass Media, but I couldn’t have the freedom and support without my husband. So, he is and always will be at the forefront of my list of blessings and thank yous for my company. That is always something that unsettles me -- when people don’t give proper credit.
She plagiarizes.
About giving proper credit… So, Rachel has been the culprit of some pretty heated debates and accusations of plagiarism. As a journalist and writer to my core, I cannot imagine quoting someone and not giving proper credit. Guys, I’ve been quoting people in my journals since I was a little girl. I knew how to use proper punctuation and quotation marks from an early age. I know that not all people are grammarians and ethical, but you have to pay attention to where you curate and create your company’s content. That also goes for sharing others’ quotes, images, and more on social media. Just give them credit! Chances are, even if you’re the most prolific writer, you draw inspiration from other writers and don’t always reinvent the wheel. There’s a way to use that inspiration in new ways WITHOUT copying and pasting it directly into a graphic. Most people are going to know a Maya Angelou quote when they see it and know that Rachel Hollis did not author “Still, we rise.”
This is an excerpt from an article titled, “Girl, Get Some Footnotes” from Christianity Today:
The most alarming examples of plagiarism in the book are actually concepts that Hollis claims as her own that originate with someone else.
The first one is what Hollis calls “10, 10, 1.” The idea is that you “envision” what you want your life to look like in 10 years, with really specific details. Then Hollis suggests that you list out 10 dreams based on whatever you envision. Finally, you come up with one goal that will help you get there.
Even though the phrase appears to be her own, the idea of envisioning your life in 10 years is a writing exercise by designer Debbie Millman that she gives her students and has shared on the Tim Ferriss Show podcast. Millman calls it “Your 10-Year Plan for a Remarkable Life.” There is no attribution to Millman, and the phrasing in Hollis’s book is very similar to what’s in the podcast transcript. For example, in coaching a participant to imagine her life in 10 years, Millman writes, “Dream big, dream without any fear. … What kind of clothes do you wear?” Hollis writes, “Dream big. Don’t put any restriction on it. … What kind of clothes does she wear?” The stylistic and conceptual similarities are striking.
Her marketing tactics just aren’t my favorite.
We all have a niche and know our target audiences like the backs of our hands. What I cannot get behind is the fact that Rachel Hollis speaks at multi-level marketing companies’ conventions, like Beachbody, Arbonne, and others. This realization was honestly the beginning of the end for me in terms of listening to what she has to say. MLMs are predatory, and her messaging directly calls out “bossbabes” who want to have their own businesses and military wives, two known MLM-targeted groups.
In many ways, MLMs and the way she runs her own marketing initiatives to her fanbase just seem, well, cult-like. I couldn’t get behind speaking at an MLM-oriented event because I wouldn’t want to mislead women and men into beginning a business venture that isn’t lucrative. After all, only the top 1 percent of consultants and the C-Suite of these companies make money, with the lower level consultants at the base of the pyramid losing money most of the time. She knows her audience, but I just don’t agree with the heavily manipulated messaging and the “only you can do it” mentality. I’m a control freak with the best of them, but I also know it takes collaboration to get things done, and you cannot disown everyone who doesn’t agree with your MLM-selling ways. (Seriously, some MLMs tell you to end relationships with loved ones and friends who don’t believe the same way you do!)
She just isn’t relatable.
Her hardships, that I guess were meant to be relatable, actually end up being offensive to readers. I’ve read both of her books, Girl, Wash Your Face and Girl, Stop Apologizing, and both are honestly forgettable. I had to look back at them to see what triggered me in the first place at the time! When she talked about adopting her fourth child, she blatantly judged parents during the adoption process, especially those in active addiction and/or recovery. This was after she talked about her own addiction to alcohol. I am a firm believer that you should use your own narratives to relate to those in various situations, to understand their thoughts and behaviors. Judgment isn’t a good look. I will be the first to admit that I have some vain tendencies (as many of us do), but she uses vanity to pass judgment on why people don’t stay committed to diets and make poor decisions. This is when it becomes less I’m-in-your-corner to the ringleader of “Mean Girls.” Also, does she even talk about her struggles at all, compared to her successes? Someone is automatically less relatable to me when they can’t own their failures along the way.
And… a couple of weeks ago, she announced on her social media that she and her husband Dave made the decision to divorce. Divorce is always a sad process, and I cannot imagine the pain anyone who experiences it goes through. But, when people are presenting themselves as a happily married couple (despite red flags of abuse early on in their relationship), GIVE MARRIAGE ADVICE AS PART OF THEIR BRAND, and TAKE PEOPLE’S MONEY FOR MARRIAGE RETREATS, then their marriage suddenly goes kaput, you have to question their authenticity on social media. That is why I get any and all marriage advice from someone licensed to give that insight -- and take advice from other sources with a grain of salt. (Maybe that’s why I never listened to their marriage podcast?) People are unpredictable, after all. And the way they announced it is very off-putting to me. A selfie, really? It’s all so manufactured. And has anyone else noticed that she uses “Ms.” instead of “Mrs.”? I’m not trying to get too much into semantics here, but if I’m boasting about being a wife and touting marriage advice, I would use Mrs. It’s sad when a marriage is just for your bottom line.
Just skim the comments: https://www.instagram.com/p/CBMXKjEJHvX/
Look, I’m not here to hate on Rachel or anyone who has found success in the life coach space. I just want to caution people before they begin to consume these influencers’ messages and go down a weird path like I did. Even as I listened to her podcast and read those cheesy books, I knew there was something… off. And I think others are really beginning to see it, too.
Here are some other good sources:
Kaylin R. Staten, APR, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV with 18 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of clients’ stories. She is a recovering perfectionist, mental health advocate, wife, Luke’s mom, cat mom, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.