Tips To Find A Quality Mentor

⌛ By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛

I have a confession to make. 

I used to live for the applause (think like the Lady Gaga song). I wanted to find people who would boost my self-esteem, both personally and professionally. First off, I had no clue how to do that myself at the time, so I would seek that quality in other people. That is not a healthy way to do things when you’re trying to find a mentor. You could find yourself in less-than-wonderful situations.

Regardless, I have had good and nightmarish relationships with mentors throughout my career.

For the sake of libel, I won’t go into too many grandiose details when it comes to bad mentors. I, will, however, give you enough details so you hopefully won’t make some of the same mistakes as I did!

In my 20s, I listened to way too many people who didn’t have the best intentions for me or my career. When they looked at me, they saw potential mentorship relationships as only beneficial to them. Dollar signs, prestige, someone to do all the banal work, a female to look at, etc. I was eager to make a name for myself, my career, and my new company. So, I haphazardly found myself listening to their advice. Often, I would sit across from them at the table, where I wasn’t on equal footing. I would take on the menial tasks: write this press release BUT put their name on it (ghostwriting is PR, BTW), do all of the work on this event BUT they will be the one who will present everything and not give me public credit, give them a financial percentage of your contract BUT they won’t do any work on it (they just want the money for bringing the work to you). 

I have also been introduced before speaking in such a way that it makes the one introducing me look better than I did. All because this was a mentor speaking of a mentee. I am here to tell you that mentors’ advice, teachings, whatever do not give them the right to take credit for your successes. It’s weird. Others want to steal your shine at any cost, even when it paints them in a self-serving light. (FYI: These mentors have been seen for what they are by MANY people.) PR is reputation management, but it’s odd when they cannot manage their own.

It honestly felt like a “good girl” pat on the head at the time. Even now, I cringe when I think about this period of time because I have seen the light -- and the darkness -- of bad mentorship relationships.

On the flip side, I am so grateful for some other mentors. Without their guidance, support, and confidence boosts, I wouldn’t have gone down some particular paths. Theo Tippett, my seventh and eighth-grade Language Arts teacher, praised my writing. Due to her teachings and efforts, I pursued a writing-intensive career. It changed my life.

So, with all of that being said, should you devote time to finding a mentor? Like with all of my answers, I will say yes and no. Sometimes, you can search for a mentor, but they do not just fall into your lap. It’s like finding your soulmate, developing a deep bond with your best friend, seeing a rainbow in your favorite city, or experiencing your child grow inside your belly. While we search our lives to find these things, they don’t always happen. Often, these are organic experiences, and you cannot force the issue. You also can’t force someone to be your mentor. Most of the time, they are happenstance and occur while you’re in the workplace, on your college campus, networking on LinkedIn, attending an event, or even listening to a podcast.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you attempt to find a mentor or are in the midst of your own mentor-mentee relationship:

Find someone who is at least five years ahead of you career-wise. 

You want to obtain advice from someone who has been where you are and is in a place you would like to be. This could be someone you currently work with or someone who was ahead of you in school. If you don’t have anyone who is a good candidate or if you want to talk with someone in a particular industry, look at LinkedIn. Finding someone with a similar career path will give you the most benefit. You want this person to have the authentic, relevant expertise that can help you forge your own way in a similar industry. And a seasoned veteran of the profession would be helpful, but it could also be unrelatable. Someone who began a career 30 years ago isn’t always the most relatable to someone who is just now entering the same industry. So many things have changed! That is why I recommend finding someone who is five years ahead of you. This person will know current industry trends and be part of the ever-changing world of communications right alongside you.

Don’t expect everything for free but make sure it’s a quality mentorship.

Just like you, mentors are incredibly busy with personal and professional endeavors. If you’re cold messaging a potential mentor, then focus on bite-sized conversations. You could meet for coffee, sure, but mentors will also likely not give you information for free. Just like with any relationship, focus on growing it slowly over time. You will want a mentor who gives you honest feedback to address your questions. This person should genuinely want you to succeed! If your mentor is constantly trying to one-up you, seems intimidated by you, or is overly critical, it could be a thanks-but-no-thanks situation. Find someone who is real with you about the profession, life, and everything in between. Everything is not an Instagram reel of butterflies and happiness. PR and communications jobs are hard, and they sometimes are not pretty. I like to bring my mentees in the trenches with me. Sometimes, I tell them about an issue with a client, how I have dealt with narcissistic people in the workplace, days when I am struggling with my anxiety and depression, when I don’t land that dream client, etc. Those insights are often more valuable than the conversations about awards you’ve won, campaign successes, and when everything seems to fall into place. They show that even mentors are vulnerable and don’t always get everything right, but they keep trying anyway. Even when it’s easier to give in to fear!

Your mentor should respect you and your time.

While you likely won’t want to waste your mentor’s time and energy, make sure he or she doesn’t waste yours, either. Your time is just as valuable, so you will want to make sure it’s a fruitful and symbiotic match. For instance, you don’t want a mentor who constantly talks about himself or herself in every situation. It’s annoying when people make everything about themselves, and if you feel like your mentor has a big ego and that’s not for you, then it’s probably not a mentorship match made in heaven. You also don’t want someone to give you anything but constructive criticism. Being critical of you is disrespectful, as well as not owning up to a mistake because they feel holier-than-thou. I’ve had both of these happen, and it doesn’t feel great. I’ve been told that I couldn’t have a relationship and be great at my job. I’ve been gaslit during a moment of tension when the situation clearly wasn’t my fault -- but the fault of the mentor’s. A mentor should be willing to actively listen and to be your ally. They could introduce you to colleagues, a new skill, and practical advice to handle your career aspirations. On the flip side, mentees can teach mentors a thing or two about new trends, perspectives, and different ways to tackle the same issue. You will want someone who actively invests in his/her own career, is a lifelong learner, is truthful and respectful, and have mentors of their own.

Also, keep this in mind: mentors do not have to be people you actually know. I know that sounds weird, but your favorite author, podcaster, Instagram influencer, YouTube content creator, etc., can serve as a mentor in your life. Carrie Fisher is one of my mentors. I met her, but it was after years of consuming her book content, sarcastic wit, mental-health advice, and her Princess Leia persona. She was more than just a public figure to me. She was someone with traits I admired and aspired to be like. 

Do you have a real-life mentor? What about a mentor you have never met? Both are valid and important to who you are as a person and professional! Make a list of both, and also while you’re at it, make a list of traits you would like to have in a mentor. 

Kaylin R. Staten, APR, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV, with 18 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of clients’ stories. She is a recovering perfectionist, mental health advocate, wife, boy + cat mom, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.