Mental Health Moments: Depending On Yourself For Happiness

⌛  By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛

I am a sponge.

That means that my natural inclination is to fall into the woodwork and absorb the energy of the room instead of influencing it. While this isn’t a pattern I fall into as much anymore, but I spent many, many days remaining quiet when I wanted to speak my mind. I was anxious without reproach, unhappy without knowing it.

The fact is, I am not a sponge. I can influence a room by being a leader in my field, showcasing my passion for what I do, and just generally glowing with genuine happiness. And you can, too.

Happiness is a loaded ideal. And many of us would define it in our own ways. The official, Google-algorithm-approved definition is: a state of well-being and contentment; joy.

For me, happiness looks like: A rainy day at home (or Paris), surrounded by my husband, son, and cats in an environment that makes us all feel safe and comfortable. Add a dash of writing, a splash of coffee, and a smidgen of red lipstick.

Most individuals find themselves on a journey toward happiness for the majority of their lives. Some find it with open arms, but others never seem to push past fear, expectations, and other factors to cultivate their own forms of happiness or contentment. 

Here are a few ways you can depend on yourself for happiness:

See the positive AND negative aspects of life.

As a perfectionist, I always want to focus on the positive aspects of life. And let’s face it, there are times when we feel depressed that we need to think about positive things in order to make it through the shadows of our own deepest seasons. I have a master list of achievements that I look at when I am feeling low or less than. You cannot go through life and only see one side of it. For example, you can’t always have a sunny-side-up mentality and think that everything is positive all of the time. That isn’t healthy, and you’re not getting the real version of life when you think that way. You can’t avoid constructive criticism, for example. How else will you grow personally and professionally? You also can’t have a broken-yolk mindset, either. If you’re too much of a Debbie Downer, you will never be happy. You’ll look at yourself and others through unrelenting high standards, and that path never leads to true contentment or self-actualization.

Feel how you feel -- when you feel these emotions. It’s OK to be on a more positive or negative spectrum at certain points in your day and overall life. It’s normal. When you repress one side or another, you’ll squash your happiness.

Realize that you can change your dreams.

So, as a planner, I had my projected timeline of events mapped out, even when I was a teenager. I wanted to go to college, find a good job, get married, find a house, have children, and travel to several must-see locations on my bucket list before age 30. While it’s commendable to have such aspirations and experiences for yourself, you can become so chained to them that you become a ghost of your former self. That will lead to a general lack of happiness, and you will begin to feel like a failure if you make it past your allotted timeframe. While I still struggle with this, there was a time a couple of years ago in which I said to myself, “I’m definitely fine with where I am in life, despite not meeting every goal right when I wanted to.” Now, I realize this is a roadblock for probably every person, so I am not making light of any goal that hasn’t been reached. Especially if it causes you grief, anxiety, fear, and unhappiness. Just know that it’s OK to pivot from a previous destination. It’s OK to change your mind and want something else, even when you had your heart set on a goal for years. You will know in your heart and mind what is right for you. My intuition has never let me down, and I will take a chance and say that yours probably hasn’t let you down, either. Going back to my timeline, I didn’t have a child or buy a house before age 30 (although both will happen by the end of 2020). I did graduate college, have jobs, start a company, travel to many places (but not all, obviously), get married, and have other wonderful (and less than great) experiences. You’ll be in periods of accomplishment where you will ask yourself, “What’s next?” or “Do I really want to achieve this goal anymore?” It’s OK to change your mind and accept happiness with situations as they come along.

Don’t depend on others to make you happy.

Depending on myself for happiness has NEVER been in the ecosystem within my head. From childhood onward, I wanted to be seen as a little individualist who did everything in amazing, creative, perfect ways. And I craved attention and praise for those acts. I kept pushing myself to my limits with achievements and attention-seeking behaviors until I nearly snapped. I found myself in such an overwhelmed state that I knew I had to do something. We have talked about The Drama Triangle (LINK) before, and I have played every role inside my own head for years. What I really wanted was someone to rescue me from situations, especially when I felt anxious or depressed. I DEPENDED on that false comfort to an unhealthy extent. While everyone needs someone in their corners, to expect it and then initiate situations where you need rescued is not healthy. You have to coach and not enable. I am grateful to have a husband who serves this role well and has helped me grow into the person I was meant to be since the day I met him. But, I cannot depend on him or anyone else for my happiness. I have to tackle my own issues with support from others with me in the driver’s seat. Help and total control are two separate things.

Try to look at yourself objectively.

I’m an emotional empath, and I am one of the most inwardly subjective people you will probably meet. While I can be objective all day long with business and other ventures, I find it incredibly difficult to look at myself from that same objective lens. In order to truly know yourself, you have to look at every part of you, even the ones you have been trying to disguise underneath your PR mask. You cannot hide from yourself or it will cause an inner war to wage day and night. Ask yourself about your strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, what makes you proud and what makes you cringe. Get comfortable, again, with the positive and negative emotions you feel. Try to do this without judgment.

And just a sidenote: From my experience and seeking mental health professionals’ insight, I have realized quite a bit about judgment. Judgment makes me feel nauseous, and I really wanted to see why I judged other people when I hate feeling judged myself (and all of us do). We judge people because they have qualities we may not like about ourselves, they may do something that makes us feel guilty about ourselves or others, and we judge because we want to boost our own self-esteem. It pays to also look at others objectively as well. 

Please note: These blog posts are not clinical, although we will provide symptoms and other information. These posts are based on my experiences with anxiety and mental health in general. If you or someone you know needs help, visit a website like Mental Health America to learn more.

Mental Health Moments blog posts are every other Tuesday of the month. Our CEO and contributors highlight what it's like to live with a mental health disorder and continue to fight the stigma through storytelling.

Kaylin R. Staten, APR, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV with 18 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of clients’ stories. She is a recovering perfectionist, mental health advocate, wife, Luke’s mom, cat mom, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.