Mental Health Moments: Ways To Rediscover Into Your Identity
⌛ By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛
I will be the first to admit that acceptance is something that doesn’t come naturally to me. My entire life has been a kaleidoscope of dwelling on aspects of life I cannot change, wondering why experiences/people/places/things just can’t be different, and an entire host of other expectations.
And I will be honest: Nothing prepares you for the identity crisis you face as a new parent. While I love my son more than life itself, I have been through every kind of emotion and thought process since he was born. I feel guilty for wanting to remain who I was before, and I also feel guilty for changing my mind on some things now that I am a mom.
It’s a rollercoaster most days, and it led me to dig into who I truly am. My identity has been shaken, and I needed to rediscover it to regain what I lost, discard what was no longer helpful, and grow into my most authentic self.
During my long mental health journey, I have been seeking acceptance. In fact, I believe it’s the core goal of my own Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs are as follows, from bottom to top:
Physiological: Food, water, shelter, sleep, clothing, other basic needs
Safety: Employment and finances, health, property, transportation, personal security, emotional security, other resources
Love and Belonging: Friendship, relationship with family and other loved ones, intimacy, your own networks (both personal and professional), social media (to a safe point), pets, work colleagues
Esteem: Respect, self-esteem and confidence, status, independence, competence, recognition, freedom, strength/resilience, self-care practice
Cognitive: Creativity, foresight (also instinct), meaning, curiosity, critical thinking, emotional intelligence, etc.
Aesthetic: Nature, exploration/adventure, your home environment, your work environment
Self-Actualization: The realization of one’s full potential through partner acquisition, parenting, pursuing goals/objectives, utilizing and developing talents and abilities, and more
Transcendence: Spiritual needs on a higher plane of existence that produce integrity, motivation, altruism, relating to others on deeper levels.
In college, I was taught to never quote Wikipedia, but here we are. This is an accurate depiction of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
In short, I believe that most of my anxiety and depression lies in my relationship to acceptance.
How can you learn to rewrite your own story and accept yourself more fully?
Start from the beginning.
This may seem like a remedial exercise, but it’s one that I recently completed. Ask yourself, “Who am I, really?” It’s helpful to write down your initial impressions. Then, write a list of your identification factors in terms of physical, emotional, social, and other factors. What is your race, sex, gender, ethnicity, social class, age, etc.? Next, delve into the nature, nurture, experiential, and environmental factors that have influenced you. Once you have this list, ask yourself, “Is this really me, or is this something that was thrust upon me by someone else?”
Talk with a therapist or use a science-backed app like Real to dip your toe in the waters of identity and how you can learn to love and trust yourself.
Be kind to your inner child.
If you’re anything like me, you self-deprecate. In fact, if there were to be a Ph.D. in Self-Deprecation, I would likely found the program and be the first graduate. Since I was little, I have relied on my negative inner talk to get me through situations. Instead of using kindness, I employ a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions to protect myself in situations. Of course, I have done a lot of inner and outer work in this arena, and it’s not where it used to be; however, I still battle this on a daily basis. No matter your situation, you can learn to parent that inner child. Becoming a mom has helped me be kinder to myself. I imagine someone talking to my son that way, or worse: he could talk to himself that way. That is heartbreaking, and I try to use that perspective on myself. I have people pleased throughout my life, much to my own detriment. When that duty calls, ignore it. Pay attention to your thought patterns. Are they negative, neutral, or positive? What could you say to yourself to show more empathy and awareness? This will seem like you’re stepping into fire and brimstone at first. It’s uncomfortable, and you want to fan the flames with your self-deprecation. Resist that urge and give yourself some positive reassurance. You will step outside of that situation with more resilience, clarity, and self-compassion.
Learn about your attachment style and other parts of yourself.
Research about attachment styles and be honest with which one (or ones) resonate with you. Which one is your dominant attachment style? Do you have a secondary one? Does it vary per relationship or situation? These findings will aid you as you discover more about what you want to accept and what you want to disown. Attachment styles are how we relate to others and usually form in early childhood. These styles can morph over time. The four main attachment styles are the following:
Secure Attachment: You form secure, loving, lasting relationships with others. You can accept love and be vulnerable with your feelings.
Anxious Attachment: You fear being abandoned and are insecure in your relationships. You need high levels of reassurance and could be considered “clingy” by others.
Avoidant Attachment: You fear being intimate and do not trust others. You distance yourself and your emotions and tend to be overly independent.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: This combination of anxious and avoidant styles can be a bit of a Catch-22. You crave attention but you want to avoid it. You are reluctant to open up, but you desperately want to be loved.
So, I am going to go against my nature and tell you that I am mostly avoidant with a touch of anxious attachment (so maybe #4 applies more to me). It’s weird for me to think that I have an avoidant style because I have always thought I wear my heart on my sleeve. In many ways, I do. Most of you know I am passionate about mental health, pregnancy loss awareness, helping others, my husband and son, Paris, cats, my industry, and more. The list of interests and causes could go on and on. When it comes to my deepest feelings, I build an icy wall around my heart. Even the warmest emotion cannot melt this wall. It’s like The Wall in “Game of Thrones”: impenetrable except for the rare opening and closing of a gate. I don’t want to reveal too much about my innermost emotions, so I stonewall or ignore or avoid talking about them.
Seek out resources that will aid you in your particular quest.
How do all of the pieces fit together to form who you are? This looks different for everyone. I am not one for support groups usually, but I have found that attending regular meetings for my pregnancy losses helped me immensely. I am an advocate for therapy and even medication if it’s needed. You have to find your equilibrium before you can dive deeply into your own psyche. Read books, follow mental health accounts on social media, talk with family and friends, find a therapist, journal, etc. Do whatever resonates with you and will help you as you rediscover your identity and begin to reframe your life story. You don’t have to feel stuck forever. I used to wonder, “What is wrong with me?” Now, I 100 percent know why I am the way I am, and I am on the road to acceptance. There is a reason the “peeling an onion” analogy is used. It takes years to peel back every layer to discover who you are. You will continue to discover yourself for the rest of your life. We are not on a linear plane -- people have ebbs and flows. We all change, grow, fall, step backward. But, at the end of the day, we can own our story once we know who we truly are.
Please note: These blog posts are not clinical, although we will provide symptoms and other information. These posts are based on my experiences with anxiety and mental health in general. If you or someone you know needs help, visit a website like Mental Health America to learn more.
Mental Health Moments blog posts are every other Tuesday of the month. Our CEO and contributors highlight what it's like to live with a mental health disorder and continue to fight the stigma through storytelling.
Kaylin R. Staten, APR, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV, with 18 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of clients’ stories. She is a mental health advocate, wife, mom, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.